i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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