So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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