Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
