Three words: puerto rican gang bang
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I need a beard to bite.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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