someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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