Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
