I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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