if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
