come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
