Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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