She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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