a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
