Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
