I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
