I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
