i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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