Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
