You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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