Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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