i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
