2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
