Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
