I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
