I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
