overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
