if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
