Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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