The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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