Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
