Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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