My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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