I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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