I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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