I think I won the penis lottery.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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