You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
