i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
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I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
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That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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