Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
