when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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