Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Every concussion has its silver lining
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
3 2 1 whiskey
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
