saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
