I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Barsexuality is the new black.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
