I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
