Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
