I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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