I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
It was confusing and full of hummus
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
