I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
