dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
