Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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