How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
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day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
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we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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