we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
