I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
