Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
