he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
