she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
