I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I am available for nakedness
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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