I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
