Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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