i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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