I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
too bad you live with your parents still
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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