ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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