You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
